Well, here we are, in a new year. I have recently learned that a cytology test on some fluid from an enlarged lymph node which resides in my body was negative for cancer cells. I am relieved to hear it. My family and friends are happy for me. So what gives? I re-read my posting from October, and I still pretty much feel the same. 
What the hell is wrong with me?! I've never known how to "Just Do It." I'm just past 50 years old and have no idea how to have a "real" relationship. The thing I think I want. I have no social life, no circle of friends here in Pensacola to do anything with, no dates, nothing. What gives?!
Seems I have finally isolated myself to the point that I am afraid to step out the front door. I must, at times, do that very thing in order to get to my job (which is seems I call out from with increasing regularity) or to do some sort of life business. Then I quickly make the route home, and am soon safely ensconced in my humble abode. Does this speak of some hideous mental illness? Some quirk of brain chemistry and/or genetics which renders me socially incapable? Or is it just now my ingrained habit to eschew the company of others so that I might be comfortably alone with my other plethora of bad habits?
What brought this on: I looked up Weight Watchers today, and read some of their articles about weight loss. One of the most important factors, they stress, is support. Which, of course, means PEOPLE! I hate meetings of any kind, have been to WW before, so maybe I could do it again? A tumble of ideas toppled immediately into my head... You won't go to the meetings. You don't have the money for this stuff. You hate being restricted on what you eat. You ABHOR exercise. You wouldn't make it.
So, I shoot myself down before I even start. Yes, it makes me weep. I would love to have even a couple of girlfriends I could ring up and say "hey, how about dinner / a movie / joining this thing with me?" But the sacrifice it takes to have this circle of friends just seems more than I can bear. And forget meeting men! I tell myself: you're fat. you're ugly. you're too old. nobody goes for women like you. And, truly, I am right. All of those are true. I wouldn't enjoy meeting an overweight, middle-aged loser. And this is what I've become.
So what do I do now with this chance I am given, of having no cancer cells on the cytology report? Can you believe it, I am waiting for the other shoe to fall! OK, so that's negative, what will be positive? That's my whole life, in a nutshell. Ol' Negatory Kate. And I don't know why!!! AAAAAAGH!
Perhaps there is a way for someone like me to learn how to be social, to learn to move out of the comfort zone in order to have things like friends, dates, and support. I realize I have support in my family. I realize that there are an awful lot of nice people I've lately heard from who are really thrilled for me with this latest news. And I realize there's that old saying that "only you can make yourself happy." Oh, boy, have I blown that! I wish I could be... whoever it is I'm supposed to be.
I suppose that we all only have our past experiences to go on, and mostly I've made a mess of social things, and especially men-related things. I so often believe there's just no point in going through all that effort for so very little in return. Well, if you have some advice, please don't keep it in! Just please, please don't tell me that "there's someone for everyone." That, I will NEVER believe. If there was someone for me, he probably died a long time ago! Or he's in a prison camp in Siberia and we'll never meet. I digress...
Thanks to my family, my friends, and anonymous readers who manage to scythe their way through this latest miasma and perhaps take away something a little sparklier than what I've put here!
all for now...
What the hell is wrong with me?! I've never known how to "Just Do It." I'm just past 50 years old and have no idea how to have a "real" relationship. The thing I think I want. I have no social life, no circle of friends here in Pensacola to do anything with, no dates, nothing. What gives?!
Seems I have finally isolated myself to the point that I am afraid to step out the front door. I must, at times, do that very thing in order to get to my job (which is seems I call out from with increasing regularity) or to do some sort of life business. Then I quickly make the route home, and am soon safely ensconced in my humble abode. Does this speak of some hideous mental illness? Some quirk of brain chemistry and/or genetics which renders me socially incapable? Or is it just now my ingrained habit to eschew the company of others so that I might be comfortably alone with my other plethora of bad habits?
What brought this on: I looked up Weight Watchers today, and read some of their articles about weight loss. One of the most important factors, they stress, is support. Which, of course, means PEOPLE! I hate meetings of any kind, have been to WW before, so maybe I could do it again? A tumble of ideas toppled immediately into my head... You won't go to the meetings. You don't have the money for this stuff. You hate being restricted on what you eat. You ABHOR exercise. You wouldn't make it.
So, I shoot myself down before I even start. Yes, it makes me weep. I would love to have even a couple of girlfriends I could ring up and say "hey, how about dinner / a movie / joining this thing with me?" But the sacrifice it takes to have this circle of friends just seems more than I can bear. And forget meeting men! I tell myself: you're fat. you're ugly. you're too old. nobody goes for women like you. And, truly, I am right. All of those are true. I wouldn't enjoy meeting an overweight, middle-aged loser. And this is what I've become.
So what do I do now with this chance I am given, of having no cancer cells on the cytology report? Can you believe it, I am waiting for the other shoe to fall! OK, so that's negative, what will be positive? That's my whole life, in a nutshell. Ol' Negatory Kate. And I don't know why!!! AAAAAAGH!
Perhaps there is a way for someone like me to learn how to be social, to learn to move out of the comfort zone in order to have things like friends, dates, and support. I realize I have support in my family. I realize that there are an awful lot of nice people I've lately heard from who are really thrilled for me with this latest news. And I realize there's that old saying that "only you can make yourself happy." Oh, boy, have I blown that! I wish I could be... whoever it is I'm supposed to be.
I suppose that we all only have our past experiences to go on, and mostly I've made a mess of social things, and especially men-related things. I so often believe there's just no point in going through all that effort for so very little in return. Well, if you have some advice, please don't keep it in! Just please, please don't tell me that "there's someone for everyone." That, I will NEVER believe. If there was someone for me, he probably died a long time ago! Or he's in a prison camp in Siberia and we'll never meet. I digress...
Thanks to my family, my friends, and anonymous readers who manage to scythe their way through this latest miasma and perhaps take away something a little sparklier than what I've put here!
all for now...
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