The Appointment

Just yesterday, I was working outdoors with my father. Feeling the crazy December sunshine warming our faces and limbs as we worked to mix concrete in a little bucket, and stand fence-posts in my backyard. Things were as normal (for NW Florida) as possible... birds singing, leaves rustling in a slight breeze, neighbors waving hello. We talked about how many boards we will need to finish this fence, and only 5 more posts to go as well. Just a regular, good, hard-working day.

Today, I went back for test results from a thoracentesis I'd had done on Monday. It wasn't good news. They found cancer cells. Same type of cells as the original cancer I was diagnosed with on May 6th, 1992. I had a good remission from April '93 - April '05. Since then, it's been at me with some weird vengeance.

The pulmonologist I've been referred to is a sweet man. Very soft-spoken, caring, and thorough. He is also no-nonsense, getting right to the grit of today's appointment. "It's positive." He said, "take your time. Have a cry, cuss if you want." I didn't need any of that, really. I was expecting it. But it's nice to know he thought of these things, that I might have a need to get something out of my system there in a quiet room. I had a few tears, but I am strong and pretty brave about all of this, having been through 3 rounds of chemo and 1 of radiation already! I feel so disappointed for my family, though. My dad will be 80 next year, my mom will be 76. My brother's 45, and not having a great time in this life - that's a whole other can of worms to talk about! There are no grandchildren, no neices/nephews, no son or daughter in law. Just the 4 of us. I hope I can keep it to four of us until my parents are called up. Well, unless I find someone who wants to be my soulmate for as much time as I have alotted! Five would be OK, too.

So, it seems, I face the prospects - again - of chemotherapy and/or radiation. Funny thing; Monday after the procedure, I came home and took several pictures of myself having a very good hair day. I'm glad I did that, as now I have the hair-loss to go through again, most likely. Not that I am all that bad looking as a bald woman! If that was the only thing to go with chemotherapy, it would be no problem at all to say "yeah, can't wait!" But, as everyone knows, there is more to this...

Well, I've wanted to lose a lot more weight. So now's my chance! I can't seem to keep the opportunities for humor or seeing something in a positive light out of this. I am blessed with that; always a sense of silliness and seeing silver linings. Sometimes, it does take me a bit to poke my head out of the darkest clouds and say "Oh, yes, there is a rainbow here afterall." I have so much more goodness in my life than a whole lot of people in the world ever even get to know, so what can I really complain about?

Thanks to all my family & friends & coworkers who support me, love me, pray for me, and worry for me. You don't know how much your faith in me means... Thank You, thank you.
That's all for now, I'll be back. I promise! ;-)