Wandering Fughe

Well, here I am, nearly 5 months from the last chemo treatment. "last" as in the end of cycle 6 of my 4th round of chemotherapy treatment for stage IV+ metastatic ovarian cancer. I haven't felt really well or good since this last 'round.' Like I'm always pushing the ball uphill. At this point anything I'm given is considered "salvage" therapy. Ain't that grand? My 5-year survival prognosis from this point on is less than 13%. So, I reckon I have that much chance of living to see the next five years? Oh, boy! I'd best get a move on, seems I am way too far behind to be given that little margin.

Ok, I admit it, I'm depressed. Yeah I know a whole lotta people in the world have it worse than I do. But this is my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

I'm angry - that there are murderers in the world and CEO's of big corporations who get off easy, and I have to have cancer? So I was mean to a few guys in my past, and not the best friend to some... so I deserve cancer? I would like to know I could find someone to grow old with. Maybe finally travel to see England & Ireland & Scotland & Germany, the lands my ancestors came from. Perhaps have a REAL vacation, some time off doing things I'd enjoy doing, instead of using all my time off to stay home & feel like shit because of toxins in my bloodstream.

I'm sad, because I know my parents are scared that I will die before they do. No parents should have to live with that fear. My brother is worried, too. I worry what will become of him. Who will love my cats? Sam & Fred can't possibly understand what's going on here.

I'm mad at myself, for not planning better for my later years, for not taking opportunities which came & went so swiftly in my younger years, for not marrying & having a family with one of those guys in the past who was actually good to me... for being scared of everything and everyone and having a career I mostly can't stand and nothing much to show for it.

This is where I stand, facing my impending mortality. And it's not pretty. Damn, neither am I. Just hoping I figure out how to pull my head from my arse before it's too late and do something good with what's left.

Everyone always says "well if I had cancer, I'd live like there was no tomorrow." Always sounds good in a story or sung in a song. But the reality is: medical bills to pay, mortgage to keep up, a house that needs caring for, a job to do so I can earn a paycheck to take care of my many responsibilities. Wouldn't it be great to actually BE able to just go "live like there was no tomorrow"? Ha. Right. Who's got that luxury? Certainly not I. If you figure out the way to that path, please let me in on it?!

Thanks to all my family & friends & coworkers who think of me & Pray for me, you're the best. Truly, you are.