Still Breathing

Muddling Through

2009-03-02T14:59:00.000-06:00

Well, here we are, in a new year. I have recently learned that a cytology test on some fluid from an enlarged lymph node which resides in my body was negative for cancer cells. I am relieved to hear it. My family and friends are happy for me. So what gives? I re-read my posting from October, and I still pretty much feel the same.

What the hell is wrong with me?! I've never known how to "Just Do It." I'm just past 50 years old and have no idea how to have a "real" relationship. The thing I think I want. I have no social life, no circle of friends here in Pensacola to do anything with, no dates, nothing. What gives?!

Seems I have finally isolated myself to the point that I am afraid to step out the front door. I must, at times, do that very thing in order to get to my job (which is seems I call out from with increasing regularity) or to do some sort of life business. Then I quickly make the route home, and am soon safely ensconced in my humble abode. Does this speak of some hideous mental illness? Some quirk of brain chemistry and/or genetics which renders me socially incapable? Or is it just now my ingrained habit to eschew the company of others so that I might be comfortably alone with my other plethora of bad habits?

What brought this on: I looked up Weight Watchers today, and read some of their articles about weight loss. One of the most important factors, they stress, is support. Which, of course, means PEOPLE! I hate meetings of any kind, have been to WW before, so maybe I could do it again? A tumble of ideas toppled immediately into my head... You won't go to the meetings. You don't have the money for this stuff. You hate being restricted on what you eat. You ABHOR exercise. You wouldn't make it.

So, I shoot myself down before I even start. Yes, it makes me weep. I would love to have even a couple of girlfriends I could ring up and say "hey, how about dinner / a movie / joining this thing with me?" But the sacrifice it takes to have this circle of friends just seems more than I can bear. And forget meeting men! I tell myself: you're fat. you're ugly. you're too old. nobody goes for women like you. And, truly, I am right. All of those are true. I wouldn't enjoy meeting an overweight, middle-aged loser. And this is what I've become.

So what do I do now with this chance I am given, of having no cancer cells on the cytology report? Can you believe it, I am waiting for the other shoe to fall! OK, so that's negative, what will be positive? That's my whole life, in a nutshell. Ol' Negatory Kate. And I don't know why!!! AAAAAAGH!

Perhaps there is a way for someone like me to learn how to be social, to learn to move out of the comfort zone in order to have things like friends, dates, and support. I realize I have support in my family. I realize that there are an awful lot of nice people I've lately heard from who are really thrilled for me with this latest news. And I realize there's that old saying that "only you can make yourself happy." Oh, boy, have I blown that! I wish I could be... whoever it is I'm supposed to be.

I suppose that we all only have our past experiences to go on, and mostly I've made a mess of social things, and especially men-related things. I so often believe there's just no point in going through all that effort for so very little in return. Well, if you have some advice, please don't keep it in! Just please, please don't tell me that "there's someone for everyone." That, I will NEVER believe. If there was someone for me, he probably died a long time ago! Or he's in a prison camp in Siberia and we'll never meet. I digress...

Thanks to my family, my friends, and anonymous readers who manage to scythe their way through this latest miasma and perhaps take away something a little sparklier than what I've put here!

all for now...

Rekindle

2008-10-06T13:48:00.000-05:00

Spirit of wind ripples through baring limbs
Announcing on whisper of chilly wind

She is here, Autumn, her presence announced
‘Arrival long due, I bring new season to you’

Thankfully, we leave go of doubts; acknowledge
Fall's Power, crisp among rainbow of leaves
Grass browning, sleeps, squirrels coil in trees

Birds wrapped in their feathered down know
Now is time for Summer's mien to go

These new months shan’t settle upon our senses
Instead: uplift and stir, invigorate! Remembrances

dance lively in minds now waked by the airy news
resonating that, indeed, we shall be renewed…

K.E.Cline, 06 OCT 08

Denizens

2008-10-06T13:45:00.000-05:00

Teensy frogs, as green as can be
live within my banana tree

tiny black orbs and yellow feet
their serenade loud to be so wee

Three pair of dark and sleepy eyes
gave me but a small surprise

as I'd noted their amphibious prise
upon the tropical leaf’s long rise

Camera in hand, flash on bright
I must have seemed alien to their sight

Now images forever captured in light
These little hoppers bring a sweet delight!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
K.E.Cline, 100608

Return

2008-09-24T09:06:00.000-05:00

It's officially fall! I wrote this about it:

Return

I have missed the sough and suss
of breeze through sleepy trees
in the shimmering heat of afternoon
sighing through full greened leaves...

Yoo long within walls and windows
shut against humid summer heat
anticipating greatly the arrival
the first snap of autumn sweet

Grateful to earth, smiling slowly
eyes closed, face turned to sun
silent prayer of thanks in knowledge
that our broiling season's soon done

I have missed the tease and tickle
of fall's cool, refreshing air - awaiting
flora’s delicate dance to so entrance
as oak's limbs once again are bared...

© K.E.Cline, 092308

Wandering Fughe

2008-09-24T08:28:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am, nearly 5 months from the last chemo treatment. "last" as in the end of cycle 6 of my 4th round of chemotherapy treatment for stage IV+ metastatic ovarian cancer. I haven't felt really well or good since this last 'round.' Like I'm always pushing the ball uphill. At this point anything I'm given is considered "salvage" therapy. Ain't that grand? My 5-year survival prognosis from this point on is less than 13%. So, I reckon I have that much chance of living to see the next five years? Oh, boy! I'd best get a move on, seems I am way too far behind to be given that little margin.

Ok, I admit it, I'm depressed. Yeah I know a whole lotta people in the world have it worse than I do. But this is my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

I'm angry - that there are murderers in the world and CEO's of big corporations who get off easy, and I have to have cancer? So I was mean to a few guys in my past, and not the best friend to some... so I deserve cancer? I would like to know I could find someone to grow old with. Maybe finally travel to see England & Ireland & Scotland & Germany, the lands my ancestors came from. Perhaps have a REAL vacation, some time off doing things I'd enjoy doing, instead of using all my time off to stay home & feel like shit because of toxins in my bloodstream.

I'm sad, because I know my parents are scared that I will die before they do. No parents should have to live with that fear. My brother is worried, too. I worry what will become of him. Who will love my cats? Sam & Fred can't possibly understand what's going on here.

I'm mad at myself, for not planning better for my later years, for not taking opportunities which came & went so swiftly in my younger years, for not marrying & having a family with one of those guys in the past who was actually good to me... for being scared of everything and everyone and having a career I mostly can't stand and nothing much to show for it.

This is where I stand, facing my impending mortality. And it's not pretty. Damn, neither am I. Just hoping I figure out how to pull my head from my arse before it's too late and do something good with what's left.

Everyone always says "well if I had cancer, I'd live like there was no tomorrow." Always sounds good in a story or sung in a song. But the reality is: medical bills to pay, mortgage to keep up, a house that needs caring for, a job to do so I can earn a paycheck to take care of my many responsibilities. Wouldn't it be great to actually BE able to just go "live like there was no tomorrow"? Ha. Right. Who's got that luxury? Certainly not I. If you figure out the way to that path, please let me in on it?!

Thanks to all my family & friends & coworkers who think of me & Pray for me, you're the best. Truly, you are.

Happy April Fools!

2008-04-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, maybe I am a happy April fool. I dunno. Anyway, just wanted to stop in & write a little something today.

My friend Fiona visited last month. Brave soul that she is, she came to see me while I am in the throes of this latest cancer fight. I'm so glad she did. We ate out, ate a lot, I gained 6 lbs. during her stay! It did me a lot of good, got me out of the house, and I am so happy to have met her in the flesh. Thank you, Fiona, for your friendship. You're a GEM!

Spring has sprung here in northwest Florida - my Empress tree in the front yard is laden with 2" long, white and purple, vanilla-scented blooms. New baby leaves are beginning to emerge, as well, light green and velvety soft. The amaryllis bulbs I planted around the base of this tree two years ago have finally decided to call that space home, as they have erupted with big, gorgeous, deep orange blossoms. And all the herb seeds that I put into pots on the patio in back have begun to struggle up through the rich brown potting soil with tiny little neon-green shoots. Ahhh, birth. When I'm not workin' it, I am surrounded by it!

I'm still chemo-ing, and my oncologist has told me that the taxotere which I am currently receiving isn't doing the job. The CA-125 tests are not dropping as they should, so I may be switched to Doxil for my next several treatments. Isn't that lovely? As new life burgeons all around me, I contemplate that this may be the end of my own. I am afraid. I'm actually considering going to one of those DIY sites and making my own last will and testament. I don't want to think too much on that, really.

There is a small chance for me to get a job in England. I have to survive for it. Y'all pray for me, now, y'hear?

Thanks, and Happy April Fool's Day!

A Real Cancer Patient

2008-03-09T10:33:00.000-05:00

I'm back. It's been a while, wow, since Jan. since I looked at this wee space. I am feeling like a real cancer patient now. Ugh. As evidenced by the pic I have put up here now, I look like one as well! Never before in all the treatments I've been through have I felt this horrible.

Of course, my hair is mostly gone. It began to come out in dried, withered clumps after the 1st treatment. And I was shedding all over my house worse than my two cats! I had it cut off short for a bit then asked my brother to just shave my head. It's so much easier to deal with this way. But man I miss my beautiful hair; it had finally grown to the length I'd wanted - taken over a year! But, hey, it's just hair, right?

After this every-3-week IV drip of toxins, I have several days of terrible discomforts of the, shall we say, "insides." I become a slave to the bathroom. I feel very very weak, hollow almost, as though I have naught but cartilage left to move my body with. Also, I can't taste things well - my mouth feels like someone shrinkwrapped it with plastic & taste can't get through. There is terrible heartburn which none of the OTC's seems to touch. My vision becomes blurry, and I am so so so tired. I can't even get up to do mundane things such as vaccuum, change the sheets on my bed, etc. Showering & dressing is about what I can manage. Maybe load the dishwasher or handwash a dish or two. Perhaps manage 1 load of laundry. But energy's really limited.

I am receiving Neulasta, as well, to prevent the precipitous drop in WBC's which my 2nd treatment gave me. This stuff works well for producing cells, but it also gives me bone pain in my sternum, ribs, arms, and thighs. Oh such fun! And I really want to just treat this with tylenol. I'm too afraid to fill the Rx for lortabs and end up needing them way too much.

I sleep a lot. I lie about on the couch a lot, I've seen hundreds of hours of television. I've read a lot. Thank God/dess my brother is living with me & is taking care of such things as the daily litter box cleanings (which I must avoid at this time), running the sweeper, running errands. Our furnace gear went out, too, so we have no heat in the house. Lucky for us we live in Pensacola and it's going to be spring soon! But I worry about the a/c not being able to run; we absolutely cannot make it without that here. Would truly be a hell.

Lately I have seen so much in the news about breast cancer. My heart goes out to my family & sisters in cancer who have suffered with that disease (Aunt Jan, Pat, Pamela G.) and I know your trials are not less. I would like to see more publicized about ovarian cancer, though. That is & has been my personal burden, since 1992, and I would like to see an Ovarian Cancer Walk, etc. We all need the support, the financing, the love...

I only ask that you not forget me, send some healing thoughts my way when you have a moment, and remember that so many around you are touched in some way by these horrible diseases. Somewhere out there is a cure, let's all keep searching.

Thanks for everything! I'll be back - promise!

Peace,
Kate

Changes Begin

2008-01-23T08:20:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, 22 Jan., I had my first new chemo. treatment. I will be receiving Taxitere, a form of Taxol, once every 3 weeks for 3 cycles. Projecting this out, my last one should be on March 11th. I know how these things go, though, so will probably be getting 6 treatments, perhaps even 8, before it's all said & done. My oncologist is wanting to see the CA-125 levels go back down below 35, and wanting to NOT see any "hot spots" of cancer on a CAT or PET scan. Well, let's hope those two indicators come to pass. Soon!

I couldn't sleep last night. Very restless, and the decadron I must take gives me awful headaches. As I have 2 more doses today, I will probably be doing a lot of nothing & drinking lots of hot tea!

Forward we go... I've started, I've passed the latest threshold. Walk with me & pray with me. I need your presence!

xoxoxo ~ K.C.

Here I Go Again

2008-01-18T09:00:00.000-06:00

It's Friday, Jan. 18, 2008. I arise at 6:30 a.m. to take a long, nourishing shower and then dress comfortably for the day ahead. My parents pick me up around 8:15; they are driving me to Baptist Hospital so that I may have a mediport inserted in my chest. This lovely piece of plastic will allow the oncology nurses to give me chemotherapy agents and other IV meds through it. Also, it will accept IV contrast for CT scans & radioactive contrast for PET scans. This is all good for me, as it means one area gets a needle in it, no peripherals. What is not good for me is the reality that I will need all of these things to check the progress of this latest program of antineo-plastic drugs to treat a damnable cancer which keeps creeping up on me.

It's Friday, Jan. 18, 2008, and I ride with my elderly parents who are still able to provide so much support to me. I am truly blessed that they are still of this earth, still healthy, and still together. My brother will be cooking steaks on the grill for us for supper tonight. I will feel good enough to make salads & bake potatoes for the rest. There is icecream in the freezer, too. How lucky can a family be? This evening, we shall dine together, the four of us, while watching The Last Mimzy - a beautiful little story about possibilities for the future of people-kind. A bit far off for us; we just hope for another 5 years together at this point.

You see, I am past the Stage IV point of being an ovarian cancer patient, so now what I get through the new "power port" in my right chest wall is considered "salvage therapy." There won't be any extra parts added, we mean to keep what I have left & live out past the stastical survival rate of ">16%" for those in my current position.

I've truly never had the feeling that this indisious and persistent cancer would be the end of me... until this last few months. Now I wander in wonder, not sure that I believe I will make it whole out of the end of this particular, new tunnel of dark. For the time being, I continue to try to see the light within the dark, and to allow myself to feel the support of my family, my friends, my coworkers, and other friends whom I have met rarely or not at all & send their heartfelt wishes through emails and snailmails.

Allow me, for a few moments now and then, to be crotchety, angry, sad, and fearful. I have to work this all out, wrap my head around it, and then pick up and go on as I always do. I have a long history of being able to put pieces back together; let's let this be the final picking up and moving on, alrighty? To Whoever runs this Universe, I humbly request to be done with this long adventure with cancer. Send me something new & more fun to fight. Thanks.

All for now, gentle readers; take some peace & thoughts from this and check back soon!

~ Kate

New Year, New...(fill in blank!)

2008-01-01T00:54:00.000-06:00

Here are are, friends & family, about to embark on our life's journey into yet another New Year.

I know that many of us have had a rough 2007 and we're looking forward to something good - happy - better in 2008. Many of us already know that some shit's gonna happen this year. But, we deal with it, drive on, and life is lived!

How many ways are you blessed in your life right now? I know that I am given so much every day - the opportunity to see my parents, my brother, send emails to much of my extended family and friends, I can afford to maintain my car, meet my mortgage payments, and I have really good medical insurance! How many are out there in this country who just don't have any of that? I can't imagine it...

So, although I know I will be once again receiving chemotherapy (and possibly radiation)in the coming months, I know that I have great support from a heckuva lot of folks out there! Cancer may be present, but it is NOT going to be the end of ME!

Thanks to everyone for your messages of hope and cheer - I love you!

Posted @ myspace.com/sillykatespace on 01/01/08 at 12:44 a.m.

Another Christmas Passed

2007-12-27T10:50:00.001-06:00

Ahhh, here we are again, in that limbo between Christmas and the New Year. As we perhaps pick up the detritus from the opening of presents, and clear our tables of family feasts, what thoughts dance through our heads?!

So many of us will be wondering how much of the credit card bills we can pay off before the next winter holiday season. Thankfully, I have no credit cards (oh they can be bad news for me!), so everything I gave is paid for. Many ponder what tax credits they might claim as that frustrating time rolls around and the W2's come in. Some hope that next year, they might be able to have a real Christmas. Maybe their mom/ dad/ sister/ brother/ son/ daughter/ neice/ nephew/ spouse/ friend might finally be well, or back from overseas, or whatever thing that is keeping them away from friends & family will be over with. Maybe some hope for a job, a promotion, a pay raise, or medical insurance. Something to make 2008 a better year all around.

I hope to survive this coming year. Get through another few months of chemotherapy, maybe some radiation, and still be able to support myself - go to work - and find out that the CA-125's are finally having a downward trend, the CT Scans show no new growths, and the PET scans have no "hot spots."

My Christmas, really, was better than I'd hoped. I have a mom, dad, and brother who love and support me, wonderful coworkers who wish me well, and other family/friends all over the USA & in the UK who sent their sweet, thoughtful messages on lovely, sparkly greeting cards for the season. I am so very blessed in so many ways.

One other wish I have for this new year approaching is that I can again open my heart & believe that there is love out there in the world for me - and 'my' someone will see it and want to be in it and be my partner for life. Who knows how long we all have yet to live? I'm sure I will still be of this earth for quite some time; there may be more cancer hurdles to jump over but I'll make it!

I dream and hope for someone who would want to be there with me, through all the triumphs and tragedies, and find out that there is in me a wonderful person with a lot to give.

Amen & So Mote it Be to that, and I send up wishes for all my family, friends, and e-pals that your 2008 be filled with happy times, good health, and some dreams come true. Thanks for coming by...

~Peace to All~

The Appointment

2007-12-13T16:29:00.000-06:00

Just yesterday, I was working outdoors with my father. Feeling the crazy December sunshine warming our faces and limbs as we worked to mix concrete in a little bucket, and stand fence-posts in my backyard. Things were as normal (for NW Florida) as possible... birds singing, leaves rustling in a slight breeze, neighbors waving hello. We talked about how many boards we will need to finish this fence, and only 5 more posts to go as well. Just a regular, good, hard-working day.

Today, I went back for test results from a thoracentesis I'd had done on Monday. It wasn't good news. They found cancer cells. Same type of cells as the original cancer I was diagnosed with on May 6th, 1992. I had a good remission from April '93 - April '05. Since then, it's been at me with some weird vengeance.

The pulmonologist I've been referred to is a sweet man. Very soft-spoken, caring, and thorough. He is also no-nonsense, getting right to the grit of today's appointment. "It's positive." He said, "take your time. Have a cry, cuss if you want." I didn't need any of that, really. I was expecting it. But it's nice to know he thought of these things, that I might have a need to get something out of my system there in a quiet room. I had a few tears, but I am strong and pretty brave about all of this, having been through 3 rounds of chemo and 1 of radiation already! I feel so disappointed for my family, though. My dad will be 80 next year, my mom will be 76. My brother's 45, and not having a great time in this life - that's a whole other can of worms to talk about! There are no grandchildren, no neices/nephews, no son or daughter in law. Just the 4 of us. I hope I can keep it to four of us until my parents are called up. Well, unless I find someone who wants to be my soulmate for as much time as I have alotted! Five would be OK, too.

So, it seems, I face the prospects - again - of chemotherapy and/or radiation. Funny thing; Monday after the procedure, I came home and took several pictures of myself having a very good hair day. I'm glad I did that, as now I have the hair-loss to go through again, most likely. Not that I am all that bad looking as a bald woman! If that was the only thing to go with chemotherapy, it would be no problem at all to say "yeah, can't wait!" But, as everyone knows, there is more to this...

Well, I've wanted to lose a lot more weight. So now's my chance! I can't seem to keep the opportunities for humor or seeing something in a positive light out of this. I am blessed with that; always a sense of silliness and seeing silver linings. Sometimes, it does take me a bit to poke my head out of the darkest clouds and say "Oh, yes, there is a rainbow here afterall." I have so much more goodness in my life than a whole lot of people in the world ever even get to know, so what can I really complain about?

Thanks to all my family & friends & coworkers who support me, love me, pray for me, and worry for me. You don't know how much your faith in me means... Thank You, thank you.
That's all for now, I'll be back. I promise! ;-)

December Day in Pensacola (12/12/07)

2007-12-13T16:17:00.000-06:00

As lemon leaves rustled in the slightest wind
My father and I had a morning’s work to begin:
We mixed water, pebbles and powdery gray
To help our sturdy fence posts sit and stay.
Then I raked the yard of crunchy leaves
While chimes played merry in a delicate breeze.
As others shiver in snow and ice storms,
I still see the sun, I still feel its warmth.
So while living in Florida isn’t always so good
At least today I give thanks, as I more often should
To be where I don’t worry about driving on ice
Where even in December, the beach is nice!
And flowers might bloom, a sweet surprise.
Yes, today I couldn’t criticize
Mother Nature’s contrary ways.
Thanks, Universe, for these Florida days.

© KEC 121207

Hint of Autumn

2007-09-19T14:58:00.001-05:00

Hello again, my friends!

Today, there was purpose in my being. I fought with it, edged towards it, and finally - accomplished it. I mowed the yard, trimmed, weeded, cleaned-up. And now have to admit, it felt good. I sweated like a horse, and probably stink to the heavens. But it was good work, and good for my place here on the lovely Gulf Coast. I'm sure my neighbors breathe a small sigh of relief that I am not, afterall, going to let my yard continue to appear derelict!

A hint of autumn teased my senses today. Just the very slightest of cool in the air, a healthy wonderful breeze. Sunshine that felt more uplifting than oppressive. The sigh of the wind through the magnificent old oak in my backyard neighbor's yard is a certain kind of song which I am glad I remembered to hear today. The waving of the light and dark of the lemon leaves is so sweetly green and scented; thank you Universe for helping me see and appreciate that as well. It's a fine, fine day and I feel a stirring of hope within my heart which has been absent for ever so long.

I know - I realize - that I am luckier and better-set in this life than probably 4/5 of the people in this world. It's good to have occasion to kick one's own arse now & then, and to say to one's self: remember that. You've got it good.

Sure, there's a lot to fix and my brain fights with itself over moods way too often. But, life's still good. Thank you, my dear family & my friends out there in different little spots in the world, for being patient with me and letting me get to this conclusion on my own without being too hard on me. You're all loves and I am so glad for you being part of my life, even though many miles may separate many of us.

I'm almost back...

Rain Today

2007-09-06T09:51:00.000-05:00

Today moved in softly with a gray rain which left those interesting shadows on the fence 'round the back garden. As thought a painter's afterthought... I found big silvery orbs left in the creases of the banana leaves; almost makes me want to taste that little tropical delight. The herbs are drooping, each edge of green leaf shaking hands with a tiny clear drop... until their greeting ends or the Florida heat evaporates them away. 'Til then they are tiny bright spots of something beautiful here. Perfectly round crystals reflecting the green around them, awaiting the sip of dragonfly and bumblebee. I bring my camera 'round to capture these still and shining moments for a digital ever. Makes me smile to see them again and remember the brief cool in this simmering sultry southern heat.

A wee hummingbird has begun to make his rounds to the small feeder I hung out off the kitchen window, filled with red liquid. Seems he likes this concoction afterall; I hope I will be graced with his presence for a few more weeks. I am just a pane away from him as he stops and sips, perched delicately on the edge of his new-found watering hole. He is furtive and mission-oriented; never seems to relax. Such is the life of a hummer (the real hummer, you know, not those ostentatious and ridiculous waste-of-metal-and-fuel vehicles that only the most arrogant and conceited have the itch to purchase then actually fill up & drive). Then he is off again on his little furtive life...I hope to a mate who misses him.

Sweet little moments... I need to remember these more often. Here's wishing you your own out there in the world.

Thanks for listening.

Greetings, earthlings

2007-08-31T12:48:00.000-05:00

Here I am, yet another speck on the internet. Holding a few ions hostage just to tell you a wee bit about me . . . what is it we do this for? Is this true communication or just talking to ourselves. Not sure which. But here it is, nonetheless.

I woke up this morning & cried, I realized I wanted to stay in bed, asleep, not have to face this day. Nothing by itself in particular is so bad. Everything together is so bad. What calls to me today? Household chores, numerous and endless, are the stuff that fills my days. Unless I rise to ready to head to the workplace, which I dread more and more. Nothing particular there, either. Just 25 years of it and I'm tired. There's that JCAHO thing as well; but that's another story. I'm without a circle of friends at this juncture, so I work, come home, and little is in between. I do see my family now & then, for which I am thankful. But even being too close to one's family can become onerous. Blessed sleep relieves me sometimes, but as I am a chronic insomniac, not even that is a given.

Seems I have lost whatever/whoever I am/was. I drift along propulsed by a need to pay the bills, do what's right, fulfill the obligations of employment. But there's a distinct lack of joy, of enthusiasm, of energy. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Perhaps so. There has been a beating down over time with which I may acquaint you here in other posts. I lose the initiative to get up again for more of the same. Never having been a very confident being, this process has been quite harmful to my psyche. Something like scars or eschar covers that which might have been eager to try again, to stand up & face life, to say "what the hell" and forge ahead. I find it difficult to see through that blinder and find the thing called fortitude...

Wow, dismal!! I haven't more to say now, at least naught that's inclined to levity today.

Maybe you'll come back to see if I have had an attitude adjustment... maybe not.

Tata for now.